I haven’t written anything here for a while. When I do write something it’s meaningless posts. I’m not stopping to write but for a while I have decided to only use Instagram. I would be excited if you would join me there! My account is cecilia.helin.39. Take care!
Depression
I feel like my depression has reached a new level of sadness. For a long time now I’ve felt how everything in me are “dying”. Not dying but I feel more sad everyday. I think it’s a combination of many things. Most of all it’s because I’ve taken on a lot. I hate to disappoint people. I often forget to think about what’s best for me and do what everyone around me wants me to do. I feel empty and sad inside. I had to take less of an anti depressant because it made me gain a lot of weight. I have gained 15 kilos. I never gain weight on my own. It’s always because of medicines. The anti depressant wasn’t that effective anyway. But the smaller amount affects me even so.
I feel uncomfortable. That’s the best way to describe how I feel. Like I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. And the sadness is numbing me. I don’t care about anything. I should be used to these feelings but I’m not. All you suffering from depression. How do you get through hard times. I would do anything to feel less sick.
Haircut
I cut my bangs myself between hair salon appointments. I think it’s a waste of money to have someone do it for you. You pay a lot for almost nothing. Or nothing………
I wanted you to see how skillfull I am when it comes to haircuts. I always cut too much! Now my bangs is half the length it should be. My hair grows fast but for a while I will look like I’ve put a bowl on my head and cut around it’s edges! Oh well.
Learning
I think that there’s a stigma around mental illness even today. Considering how many that are suffering from it, it shouldn’t be something you feel like you have to hide. Having an mental illness doesn’t make you a bad or over emotional person. It’s something chemical in your body that causes it. There’s a big difference between feeling “down” and being depressed or whatever it is you’re suffering from. My experience is that feeling down is connected with something that happens to you and it doesn’t last that long. It can be a break up from a partner. It hurts a lot but with time it usually gets easier. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up. I was heartbroken for a long time but eventually I began feeling like myself again.
I think mental illness often also are connected to something but it goes deeper than being down. I have my illnesses because of my childhood. For a long time I wasn’t affected about what happened but then something triggered something in me and I crashed. It began with depression and then I got anxiety and a lot more. I have met many that think I should “snap out” of it. If it were that easy I would have snapped out of it a long time ago. One person said I should go for walks because it was supposed to help when you’re feeling down. That makes me angry! To get rid of my mental illnesses I would have to go for a walk everyday and all day until my last day.
I don’t mean that you for example at a party should walk in and shout “I’m depressed!” Not at all. But no one should have to hide or lie about how they’re feeling. When someone asks me what I do for a living I say that I don’t work because I’m depressed. I used to feel bad when I said that. That’s because the one asking didn’t know what to say after I had told them. Now I say it and begin speaking about something else. Not because I don’t wan’t to talk about it but because I feel that I don’t want to burden anyone with how ill I feel. Remember, you feel ill but you are not your illness. It’s a full time job to be sick. Say that when someone asks you what you do for a living.
Dating
I used to date a lot when I was younger. When I write date I mean just date not sleep around with every man I met. Now I’m single and I never wanna have a romantic relationship again. I dated much especially in the 90’s. Then there were no internet or online dating. You often met someone at a club or at a party.
I once met a man at a club me and my friends often went to. I don’t remember a lot about how we met. He probably asked me to dance and we began talking. We decided to go on a date. I don’t remember what we did on our date either but we could have had dinner or something. We didn’t drink alcohol. I remember that because of what occured next. We had our date and he told me he had a motorcycle. He didn’t use it to get to the date but we began talking about the motorcycle. He asked if I would go for a ride on it. I did. He told me to wait in town for him when he went home to get it. That’s why I remember we didn’t drink alcohol. Otherwise we wouldn’t have done it. He came back after a short while. He came with his bike and a helmet for me. We decided to go skinny dipping at a beach where I used to go during the summer. This was summer but in the evening. We went to the beach. There would just be an evening swim nothing else.
We got to the beach, parked the bike in the parking lot. The beach was a couple of minutes away. We went there and went in the water for a while. We were both fascinated with the light our movements created in the water. After this we got dressed. We went to the parking lot and………..the bike was totally stripped of everything! The wheels, engine and everything else was gone! The thiefs had left some parts. They could have taken the whole bike instead of leaving what they left. My date went hysterical. I often laugh in these situations and had to hide how hilarious I found everything about it. At this time no one had cell phones. We had to knock at the door of some random house and use their phone to call someone to pick us and the “bike” up. This was a sign of things to come. He was mentally abusing me and I left him shortly after we met. A “fun” date.
Therapy
I have gone through many doctors during my days with mental health illnesses. Doctor’s who specialize in the mental health care are best because they often know more about the most effective way to help you. The issue with this is there are not many of them around. And when they leave they often don’t tell their patients. I’ve had two of those doctors at the clinic I’m at right now. Both left without saying anything. It takes time for the clinics to get new specialists. When they are looking for one they let “ordinary” doctors treat the patients. With ordinary I mean doctors that treat colds and those sorts of things.
Now since my doctor left I’ve had one of those ordinary doctors. We have talked twice. The first time we decided that I would begin PTSD treatment. For those of you that don’t know I had an awful childhood and that affects me even today. It’s the cause of my anxiety and depression. The reason I said it was a good idea to begin treatment was only because I wanted to make the doctor feel like she was the best doctor. I’m not ready at all to do anything until I have the right medicines to help me survive the therapy. We talked about my childhood and even though it was just a brief conversation it made me very ill. I don’t want to think about what it would be like to go through a whole treatment and not being “protected” by the right medicines.
I’ve told this to the clinic. They told me there’s a new specialist there. I’m about to see her in a while. My last doctor seemed a bit unaware of what she could do to help me. I wish this new doctor is better in what medicines that would help me. Until then all I can do is keep feeling sick and continue to take the wrong medicines.
Words
I didn’t have any other idea for the title than that. I thought I would make my first post this year a bit on the funnier side. This is about things you don’t wanna hear. The wrong words at the wrong time!
The first wrong words are when you’re on a flight somewhere. The captain of the plain talks to you over the speaker system at least one time on every flight. I always feel safe when he or she sounds calm and like they’ve just eaten something. And they say the same things captain’s always say. “We are at this and this height” and so on. You don’t wanna hear this. The captain doesn’t know the speaker system is on. “What is this button?” And then “I shouldn’t have pushed it.” Crash!
You’re at a restaurant. You hear from the kitchen “What do you mean you put rat poison in the soup instead of salt.” Not only have they poisoned the soup but they have a rat problem!
You’ve had surgery done. The doctor’s don’t think you hear them. “The right leg? I thought it was the left.”
You leave the hair salon. Before you go the hair stylist says “Oh and if you hair falls out……….” Just that. You’ve probably had your hair bleached too long. I once had a perm and lost half my hair. They should have told me the lose your hair part. Then I would have been prepared!
That was some situations you don’t wanna find yourself in.
Happy new year to all of you!
Fake tan
I’m not a fan of self tanning products. I’ve tried lots of them. Often you get this yellow color or they turn very dark once they’ve been on the face for a while. My best advice when it comes to self tanning is do not use a new kind of them the day before an important event. It doesn’t have to be important. Don’t try a new self tanner unless you don’t have anything to do the day after! I have made that mistake many times.
Once we were having many friends over. I used an over night self tanner the night before. Instead of buying a tanner that would give a light sun tanned look I bought one that would make you either dark or VERY dark. I read the instructions. It said to apply a thin layer before bed. I used two thick layers of the tanning cream. The next day………..my face had this dark yellow color. Also I had avoided to put the tanning cream near my eyes which made my face yellow with white circles around my eyes! I tried to put make up on to hide it but it didn’t help. I used concealer around my eyes. I used many layers of foundation on my face. Nothing helped! I had to walk around with a yellow face with white eye circles!
I’ve found that there’s one way to get the self tanner to look natural. Put it on in the morning after your moisturizer. It often says that you should put it on a clean face. Don’t do it. Then you get that crazy color from it. When you put it on after moisturizing it gives a more natural tanned look.
Foundation everywhere
I use some kind of foundation on my face when I wear make up. I’ve tried different powder products but I always go back to foundation. Powder look “powdery” on my face. Foundation works good for me. I’ve used lots of foundation. I think Lancome’s products are the best. This is not a foundation review however. This is about the time I went shopping covered in foundation everywhere.
I bought a foundation on one of my shopping trips. I dropped the bag with the foundation on the floor. I didn’t think much about it. I didn’t look to check the beauty products in the bag. I continued shopping. I did lots of shopping. I don’t know about you. Because of my social anxiety I usually look at things and not myself when I’m out. It distracts me to think about the things in the stores I visit instead of thinking about how I feel.
Should have bought face powder.
I usually shop for groceries after I’ve done the “fun” part of shopping. I went to the grocery store. Got what I wanted and went out of the grocery store. Then………I look down and see myself covered in a pink fluid. My jacket and trousers had the fluid everywhere. Then I saw the bag with the foundation. The bottle with the foundation had broke when I dropped the bag on the floor. The bag was broken and the foundation leaked through it on my clothes. I had walked around for a long time in the shopping mall like this! No one had looked at me like something was wrong. When I say I was covered in foundation I mean I was covered everywhere! I had to throw the trousers away. I washed them many times but couldn’t get the foundation off. The jacket thankfully got clean!
Funnier
I have told you about the dog I had. She had to be put down because she was very sick. I have been so sad since then. I can’t get over losing my best friend. She kept me alive. She made my anxiety and depression feel less bad. I felt ill when I had her but she needed me and I thought about doing the best I could for her more than how I felt.
Me and my mom have thought about getting a dog to ease the pain but I’m not ready for a dog. I don’t think I’ll ever get ready to have a dog again. I think I probably would feel happier with a dog but at the moment I can’t. Instead we are dogsitting! We dogsit a wonderful chihuahuamix named Musse. He is a young male dog. When we first met him he was afraid of us and everyone except his family. We put a lot of work in to make him trust us. Now he does and we love him! One of the best things about him is that he doesn’t find going on a walk funny. I suffer from social anxiety. I don’t think going for a walk is funny either. He has to go out but our walks are very short. After a walk we both feel we can breath and relax. I’ve never experienced a dog that doesn’t wanna go out. Now that I have I think it’s the best thing ever. He is very kind and seems to love both me and my mom. Where ever we are he is too. He wants to be around us all the time.
Everything is a lot funnier with a dog. I won’t buy one but dogsitting is wonderful. When you have dogs you often do the same things with them over and over again. We did. We walked the same area everytime and so on. With dogsitting you try to play and spend more time with the dog. I’m not meaning that those who have dogs walk the same area or don’t play with their dogs! Not at all. I admire all of you with dogs because you all seem to take such good care of them! It was because of my illness. I was too tired to do anything exciting with my dog. We did things but not often enough. She had a life of luxuary and love but I could have done more when it came to stimulate her mentally.
This dog we dogsit get to play a lot. Not outside because there he doesn’t wanna do anything funny. We cuddle and kiss him all day long (which we did with our dog too). This is the best thing I’ve done in a while! My anxiety and depression gets less hard when we have him! Dogs are lovely.
Keeping weight
I haven’t mentioned my weight struggles in a long time. I have told and showed you my big belly. I have actually managed to keep the fat away from my belly. Or I have times where I have put on weight on my belly and the rest of my body but mostly I somehow seem to keep the same weight all the time. There’s no secret about it. I workout like crazy! That’s the only reason I don’t put on much weight. Thankfully I love to exercise. I workout almost everyday. I do lower body workout one day. The next day I workout my upper body. And I always do around 25 minutes of ab workout with every workout. I have to do that otherwise my belly would be very very big. I like the ab workout the least but that’s the most important part of every workout.
I eat the same food I always have. I’m aware of the fact that changing my diet would help a lot but I love food. To eat healthy all the time would make me feel sad. I’m depressed enough and I don’t want to change my diet and get even sicker. I eat breakfast, dinner, an evening meal and later a tasty snack. I always drink a protein shake after working out. That keeps me full for a while. The protein shakes also takes away the sugar cravings I used to have all day before I began drinking them. For all of you having very bad sugar cravings try drinking a protein shake everyday even if you don’t workout. That could hopefully help you overcome some of the cravings.
I understand that many of you don’t like working out or that you don’t lose any weight when you do some kind of exercising. To me it’s easy because not only do I like working out but it also helps me to lose weight. Try to workout even if you don’t like it. Or if you don’t see any changes in your body when you exercise try to do different and harder workouts. I could advice you to eat healthier but because I don’t do that it would feel wrong for me to tell you to try that. Don’t get me wrong. Everyday is a struggle for me to keep my weight. I workout and all that but sometimes it feels hopeless when I put on weight even though I try to do all I can not to. All I can say is we’re in this together.
Hair things
I wrote a while ago in “Showers” about how often we shower and wash our hair. Then I wrote that some wash their hair once a week. I could never do that because my hair gets greasy in one day. I have to wash it everyday. I get why not everyone does it everyday. Now I’ve seen a woman online that washes her hair once a month! She has very long hair.
I find these things interesting. I can’t even picture my hair after one month without washing it! Greasy wouldn’t be the right word to describe it. It would look like it was wet. If I touched it………..I don’t wanna think about it. This once a month hair washing woman has like I wrote very long hair. She had her hair up in different hairstyles during the month between washes. I don’t get it. Why have long hair when you never show it? She had her hair in a hairstyle with braids “tied” up on her head. You would never know how long her hair is because she never lets it out to hang “freely”.
One thing among many why I couldn’t wash my hair more than once a month is the smell. I have greasy hair. It smells dirty after only one day. I know many don’t wash their hair everyday and it doesn’t smell anything. My hair would reak to the high heavens If I had gone one month without washing it. And the build up on my scalp would be disgusting. For a while I only washed my hair with water every other day. I used schampoo one day and water only the second day. It didn’t take my scalp long to get this thick disgusting layer of white stuff on it. Think what one month WITHOUT any water or schampoo would do!
Facial hair
I have always had a a problem with a hairy body. Most of it has been from the waist and below. I hate it! I have shaved my legs for a long time. It was in the beginning of my teenage years I started. First I only shaved from the knee down. Soon I had to shave my whole legs. Hair on your body is one thing because you can hade it with clothes. Facial hair is a whole different thing.
I have removed hair on my upper lip for a long time. When I was younger I didn’t have that much and it was easy to remove. The older I got the more hair I got. Now I’m going through menopause and………….hair grows everywhere on my face. All the hair is very blond but because there are lots hair you easily see it! Since my menopause began I’ve noticed hair on my cheeks and chin I didn’t have before. The hair on my cheeks are also long. Blond but long. On the chin the hair isn’t that long but there are many little hairs. Before I only removed the upper lip hair but now I remove my chin also. I remember when I went to a spa for a facial and upper lip hair removal. The women doing the facial said over and over “You only want to remove the hair on your upper lip”? Meaning she wanted to remove my chin and hair too. Then I didn’t think it was such a big problem but then I realized how bad it was.
Now I remove hair from my upper lip and chin. I always use wax. Some hairs are too short to remove with wax. Then I use a tweezer. Most of you know about the trend of shaving your face. I would never do that because my hair would grow back black! I always use wax strips because it’s the easiest way to wax I think. I never use the strips for facial hair. That’s because they’re too small and less effective. I use wax strips for under arms. Very effective!
My advice when it comes to waxing the face (which I think most of you already are aware of) is to begin with a clean face. There should be no creams or oils on it. Pull the wax strips in the opposite way the hair grows. Never wax any area more than once. After you’ve done waxing apply olive oil or any oil you have available. Don’t put perfumed skincare on the waxed areas. Not only does is it uncomfortable but it can harm the skin. After a wax your hair grows back after some weeks but it feels good to look at your face and find no hair.
Needle
I think many of you grew up during the era where everyone wore shoulder pads. You couldn’t have too big shoulder pads! Many tops and those kinds of clothes had sewn in shoulder pads but we often added lose ones to get bigger shoulders. You never left the house without some added shoulders.
I have a memory from back then. It is rather funny. Most shoulder pads came with velcro. That made it easy to attach them to your clothes. I remember one time we were going out to a club. I wore a shirt without small He hshoulder pads, or no pads, and I wanted to add some to the shirt. The pads didn’t have velcro on them. I always used a sewing needle to attach those pads to the clothes.
This time I had to use needles. Sometimes the sharp end of needle “stuck” out of the shirt or whatever you wore. I remember this boy that tried to dance with me and wanted to go home together. He put his hand on my shoulder……….and the needle. That was not what he had expected! I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. Saved by the needle! He thought I wanted to be with him but the needle told him no! All of you feeling you want to get rid of an boy or girl that’s annoying you use a shoulder pad with a needle. Funny memory.
Funnier
I think everyone has to have something that makes you feel good. It can be anything as long as you don’t hurt yourself or someone else. Especially when your suffer from any kind of illness. To me that is music.
I have always been singing. Singing, playing instruments, writing songs and performing. For a long time because of my illnesses I didn’t do anything that had to do with music. I wanted to however I didn’t allow myself to do anything funny. To me funny is all about music. A while ago I began singing karaoke online. I just did it. My voice was shaky because I hadn’t used it for such a long time. I couldn’t find the strength in my voice I used to have. I began singing everyday and I found myself both enjoying and allowing myself to have fun. Now I take singing lessons and I love it. To many think I’m too old to do it but I don’t care. It’s my life and I decide what I do.
I want to begin playing the guitar again. But because there are many karaoke sites online I don’t have to play myself. I don’t mean I’ll never play the guitar again but for now online music is what makes me wanna sing.
I’m on the site “Smule”.
Sadness
I’m not a medial professional what so ever. But I’ll try to explain the difference between depression and being “just” sad. I wrote just with this “” because being sad can be unbearable and hard to feel. Being sad is when you are sad in direct “link” to something that happens to you and you feel it for a short while. When a relationship ends for example is what can cause you to feel sad. I know how heart breaking a break up can be. I remember when me and the love of my life broke up a long time ago. It took me almost a year to feel some kind of happiness. I could work and study but I felt that something (the love of my life) was missing. Everyone noticed how sad I was and it was very hard. All I did was think about him. It took like I said about a year to get over him but it got easier everyday and then I began living my life to the fullest. I cried when we just had split up but then I stopped doing that. Slowly I found myself feeling happy again. I do want to write that for many a break up can be the reason for a deep depression. Don’t get me wrong I know it can be impossible to get over someone. I used this as an example of “just” being sad because that was what is was for me.
A depression is a whole different story. For me my depression just didn’t appear one day. It took years of being deeply sad and being reminded of my horrible childhood everyday that lead me to depression. My childhood is the main reason I suffer from depression and every illness I have. What really pushed me over the edge was when I got in a relationship with a man that reminded me in any way of the man that ruined my childhood. It took a while but then I slowly began breaking down. I began losing myself. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I didn’t care about anything. I’ve been clinically depressed since 2004. I don’t feel less depressed all these years later. I never get used to the feeling I live with everyday. Depression is a feeling of total loss of everything that used to be you. I think I will be depressed for the rest of my life. It began with depression that has lead to anxiety among many different illnesses I suffer from. I don’t feel sorry about my depression and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. To everyone who’s depressed. I know how you feel!
Thicker eyebrows
I used to always add some color to my eyebrows. Either I used a black brow pencil or I colored them black. When I was younger I had very thick eyebrows. Then I was stupid and plucked them with a tweezer until there wasn’t hardly any eyebrows there to talk about. I regret that a lot today!
I didn’t color or use a brow pencil before a few years ago. Then I went all in and the color obsession began. I tried many different eyebrow pencils and lots of different eyebrows color brands. Sometimes I colored them………… and used a brow pencil too. I did this until I began to notice that I suffered from brow “hair loss”. My brows got smaller and smaller. I got bald spots all over them. Then I used more and more eyebrow make up to hide the bald spots.
Then I stopped doing all that. In the beginning I almost felt naked when I didn’t put any color on my brows. It was especially hard not to use the brow pencil. Then a while later I began seeing that my brows grew back. The bald spots had hair growing on them. My brows also got naturally darker. They are not anywhere near the brows I had all those years ago but they look fine. My eyebrow tip for you with brow problems is to do nothing to them. For all of you that want thick eyebrows but struggle with hairfall try to stop coloring them for a while. Then you can try doing it and see how your eyebrows react to it.
I don’t think you can see the brow but it’s there.
Tomato sauce
I have a first world problem that is a big first world problem. When you get tomato sauce on your clothes and can’t get it off. I can’t remember how many clothes I’ve had to throw away because of tomato sauce stains. Today I had almost eaten all my dinner involving tomato sauce without getting any on my top. And then…….pasta covered in sauce landed on my top. Is it just me? I never learn. I should cover myself in kitchen paper whenever I eat.
Sad forever
I shouldn’t do it but I looked at photos of my dog I had to have put down last year. When will the pain of losing her ever go away? I miss her more and more. A big part of me broke when she went to heaven. I can’t to this day believe she’s gone. I miss everything about her. She was crazy I know but I loved it.
Many say I should get a new dog but I can’t. I’ll never go through losing another dog. I miss my dog too much and no one can take her place. I know a new dog would ease the pain but I can’t!
Love you forever and ever my only true love.
Panic attack
I don’t know why but I have gotten these panic attacks lately when I’m out. I haven’t told you but I don’t work because of all my illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety and OCD. I know it sounds impossible to live with them all but I do. In the beginning it was “just” depression but now I suffer from all of that. And now on top of it all I have these panic attacks. It’s like having an “overdose” of anxiety. If you wonder how I cope with all my illnesses it’s because of my sense of humor. I still have the ability to laugh. I don’t go around laughing all the time but I can still find some things funny.
For me a panic attack doesn’t come out of nowhere. I feel it long before it comes crashing down so to speak. I have this hysterical anxiety and it gets hard to breath. If I’m out I have to sit down sometimes to calm myself down. I don’t have these attacks everytime I’m out but often enough to make me not wanna go out. I never want to leave the house but I force myself to do it. I always plan ahead what day I’m going out to prepare myself for what seems impossible. I always go out one day a week to do my shopping. Then I shop everything I need for a week. On that day I do everything without trying to think about what I do. Before I go out I get ready like a robot. I can’t think about what I’m going to do. I have to protect myself.
I also always plan ahead what store to go to. I never randomly visit a store! Even when I see something I want to buy I never go into that store on days I haven’t planned to.
Today I went out and I made it home safely! I feel proud of myself. To all of you suffering from one or all of the illnesses I do I understand what you’re going through! All I can say is don’t give up. You can do it. I know how impossible things can be but again you can do it.
Silly joke
I don’t know but is this what they call a “gated community”? It looks very safe…………
Very big
“-This yoghurt is too big for me. You have to eat half!”
This is the smallest yoghurt I’ve ever bought! It’s tasty though.
Funny
I have to say sorry in advance because of the disgusting content (unless you have a dog or you are a dogsitter).
I know what dog owner and dog sitters have in common if there is more than one human in the family. The talk. This is how the talk would sound like if us humans had it with each other.
-Have you peed and pooped today?
-Yes. I pooped once but it took a while before I pooped. I went to the toilet many times before I got some poo out.
-How many times did you pee?
-One long pee and then I did some “marking” pees so everyone using the toilet after me would know I had been there.
-What did the poo look like?
-It was fine.
For those that never had the dog talk it goes like this.
-Has the dog peed and pooped today?
-It did a long pee then it “pee marked” countless times.
-What did the poo look like?
-It looked perfect.
I know it’s disgusting but that’s what the dog talk sounds like. With Kajsa (my dog I had to have put down) me and my mom had that talk almost everyday. It was “she peed so many times I lost count”, “we walked and walked but she didn’t pooped”, “she peed almost nothing”, “she pooped many times”.
You never think of how it sounds like. And if Kajsa didn’t poo we talked about where we would walk on the next walk to make her do it! “We go to the forest she always poo’s there.”
I was dog sitting a dog and the first time I met the dog owner she said “She always pee’s and poop’s first thing in the morning when we go for the morning walk. ” And all I thought was “how wonderful then the morning walk will go smoothly.”
Dog people are crazy!
Showers
First of all I don’t know why I decided to write about this!
I don’t know about you but I shower and wash my hair everyday. I have read lots of things were people discuss this. I got interested in how it is out there. Do people shower everyday or less? I think many don’t shower everyday. At leastI know it’s common to not wash the hair everyday. I get why you don’t do it. Many people have dry hair and can’t wash it often. And I think it’s good for the hair to have some “rest days”. Today you use dry shampoo if you want your hair to feel fresh between washes. And some have hair that don’t get greasy until after a couple of days after washing it. I don’t think everyone shower everyday either. The ones I know about that don’t shower everyday do it every other day. I don’t judge any of you if you don’t shower or wash your hair everyday! It’s up to you. What I have a problem with is how people describe what they do instead and how often they think you should clean themselves.
First we have those that shower once or so a week. I think that’s a bit extreme to be honest. I’ve read that they use wet cotton to clean their private parts after every visit to the toilet. Isn’t it easier to take a quick shower everyday instead? It takes lots of time if you’re doing that everytime you visit the bathroom. And you probably clean you armpits everyday with some water from the sink. They say that they don’t smell but let me tell you. I’ve smelled unwashed people miles away. Not miles but you know what I mean. There have been people that have spread their odour through out a whole bus! I think it’s those that never shower and never use cotton pads with every toilet visit.
A hair dresser said in an article that you should only wash your hair once a week. She almost made fun of people that washed it more often. She said “put your hair in a bun when it gets oily.” I could never do that. I could wash my hair less if I didn’t workout as much as I do. I workout almost everyday and sweat like crazy. I would feel disgusting if I just put it in a bun day after day. My hair would be smelly and so oily that I wouldn’t be out in public! And the hairdresser showed her hair after a week without washing it…….. I can’t put in words how it looked. You put your hair in a bun girl because you think it’s such a good idea to wash it once a week!
At the same time I also think that we’re sometimes are hysterical when it comes to keeping ourselves smelling good. There are deodorants for your private parts and some wash their hair more than once a day everyday. There has to be a “middle way” to go when it comes to hygiene. There now I’ve written how I think. What do you think?
Forgot this. During periods in my life where my depression had been crazy I didn’t shower for days. I didn’t have the will to do anything then and I didn’t go out. This is meant for people who don’t suffer from mental illness. And I’m sorry if I offended anyone didn’t mean to do that in any way.
Potato flour
I use potato flour to “thicken” liquid. For example I make fruit cream by adding potato flour mixed with water to fruit juice. I have also made gluten free cupcakes with potato flour instead of wheat flour. It’s great if you’re gluten intolerant. But don’t use it when you’re making oven baked pancakes!
I love oven baked pancakes. It’s the fastest way to make pancakes and it’s delicious! I don’t have a recipe for it because I make it “my way” and I know how the batter should look and it usually turn out fine. I could give you a recipe based on how much I think I use of all the ingredients.
2 portions.
4 eggs
5 dl milk
4 dl flour
Mix it all together.
Since the batter has no butter in it I put lots of it in the tray in which I bake the pancake.
Flour is something I don’t use often. When I was supposed to make oven baked pancake I found it had expired a long time ago. I had begun to mix milk and eggs and thought I would use potato flour instead. Like I wrote I had made cupcakes with it and that worked well.
You should have seen the potato flour pancake! Or you should have eaten it. It looked like rubber and it was like eating rubber! The taste was that of a pancake but that was it. I forced myself to eat because that was dinner and I was hungry. I chewed a lot! I chewed and chewed and chewed and I ate it all. I don’t know how.
Excessive training
I hurt my shoulder a while back. The reason was that I exercised too much and too hard. I did both leg and arm workouts with resistance bands. I used the resistance band with every workout. The majority of the workouts I do is bodyweight only but I added the band and that made it hard to exercise. I was obsessed with getting more muscles fast. I exercised like that almost everyday. In the beginning it was fine. I began to use the resistance band only when I did lower body workouts. Then I thought it would be a good idea to use it when I did arm workouts.
This worked out fine for a while. I got more muscles all over. The resistance band made me get more muscles really fast. Especially my arms grew bigger than then they had ever been before. Then one day one of my shoulders really hurt very bad. It got to the point where I couldn’t use the arm on the side where the “broken” shoulder was. I tried lots of creams and lotions that should heal sore muscles. Nothing helped. Some helped for a couple of hours but the pain never went away.
For those of you that aren’t addicted to exercise would probably do no exercise at all while your shoulder healed. I have a serious addiction to exercise and to do nothing wasn’t an option. Instead I did “flexible” workout. Stretch workouts that healed sore muscles. It wasn’t the workouts I usually did but at least I did something. It helped! It took time and effort but I stuck to my workout plan. Today my shoulder has healed but I never workout with resistance band anymore. I rather do body weight workouts. Excited that I can exercise often. Yippie.
Clinique review
I have liked the skincare brand Clinique a long time. I have used their products now and again lots over the years. I have especially used their moisturizer’s. Today I am reviewing their 3 step cleaning system. I used it the first time a long time ago and then the system consisted of a hard soap, toner and a moisturizer. Now it has a liquid soap which I like because I always used to drop the hard soap on the floor. I also think it’s more “healthier” to use a soap that is in a bottle.
There are different kinds of systems. I use the number 1 because I have dry skin. For example system number 2 I think it’s for normal to combination skin. I think many of you have used or are using these products and you have your favorite “number”.
I like the soap and toner but I don’t like the moisturizer. I don’t dislike it but I am old and need “heavy” moisturizer’s. Their moisturizer is perfect if you are younger or don’t have any wrinkles. You should use it but I feel the soap and toner works great even if you don’t use it. My skin feels clean and not dry after I have used the products. I use them every morning and evening. What I like most is that you can buy every product separately. I only buy the soap and toner. It’s rather expensive but not too expensive. You should try it and see what you think.
Heart broken
I think what has broken my heart the most in my whole life is when my dog Kajsa had to be put down last year. She was very sick and we consulted several vet’s who said there was nothing to do to make her healthy again. To see my funny and hilarious dog become sick was traumatic. To make the decision to have her put down was horrible. I can’t describe the feeling when you have to decide if someone should live or die. I know that if I had decided to let her live she would have gotten sicker and sicker until she was unable to eat or walk.
I wonder when I will stop miss her terribly. Everyday I think about her and I want to cry. I see a piece of her fur or something she has chewed on and I cry. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have one more day with her. I would hold her near me and never let her go. When Kajsa died I died. My whole being when the vet put her to sleep screamed “why do you put her down”. When she was gone I cried and cried. I wanted to tell the vet to bring her back. The love of my life was gone.
I miss her everyday. My love.
Laughing
Weight
I have had big problems when it comes to weight. I have told you about my belly that has been a huge problem. I have been thin almost my whole life. It’s medicines that has made me gain weight. Once it was a medicine for my anxiety that made me gain almost one more me in weight. This time I think I know which medicine it is that causes the weight gain but I have to take it or I will get mentally exhausted again.
I exercise almost everyday and since I saw the state my belly was in I’ve done ab exercises with every workout. I have worked the abs like crazy. I love to exercise however the ab workout I could do without. I’ve never been into working out my abs but I knew a while ago I had to do it. I looked pregnant. The belly hanged down. I got disgusted with myself. I looked like a ball!
For a long time I have worked out very hard. My belly is smaller! It took a loooooooooong time but I’m on the right track. I know that if I ate healthier I would have gotten an even smaller belly. But I love food and I can’t do it. I rather workout like I do because that has helped me.
Proud.
Public anxiety
I think we are many out there suffering from social anxiety. For those of you who doesn’t suffer from it it’s when you feel almost scared to go out and/or being around people. I think social anxiety feels different for everyone. To me I always get this anxiety going somewhere. I’m calmer when I get to where I’m going but I feel like I’m gonna die during the time it takes me to get there. I get calmer when I reach my destination so to speak however because there are people everywhere you go and my social anxiety never goes away until I get home.
I find it difficult being around people. I almost never ever go anywhere because it makes me feel exhausted. I feel this way with both strangers and people I know. I’ve read that depression can cause this mental state. And you don’t suddenly one day get social anxiety. It slowly takes over your thoughts and then one day you’re stuck in it. I get nervous just by thinking about doing something that gets me away from home. Parties for example is something I never go to. The thought of spending an evening with people in a small space make me wanna throw up. I don’t drink alcohol. If I did I could get drunk and don’t feel this anxiety. But I don’t know if I would go to parties even if I drank alcohol.
Sometimes I get panic attacks when I’m out. I feel them coming long before they “break out”. Especially when I’ve been around people for a while I get these attacks.
What I do to ease my social anxiety. First of all I try to get ready to go out as fast as possible. I do everything without thinking. I shower and do everything I have to do trying not to think about that I have to leave the apartment. I rush around as I’m in a hurry to avoid giving me time to think about what I’m about to do. I always find somewhere to sit whenever I get dizzy from my anxiety. I always make a plan in my head of in which order I will do things. When I go shopping I decide what shops to go to before I leave home. Sometimes I go sit in a coffee house and have a cup of hot chocolate. I don’t know why but it helps.
Me today.
Man behaviour
I think you have seen them every summer. Men wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Especially middle aged men does this. Please from all women DON’T. We like you but with clothes on. Don’t sit in restaurants and don’t walk around in stores half naked!
Women never (or almost never) wear just a bra unless it’s on a beach. We could but that would probably make men think we’re looking for someone to date. Short post but never the less important.
I found this when I searched old men!
Favorite brand
I know that the skincare brand “The ordinary” has been around for a while. But I haven’t used it that long. They have many different products. I’m almost obsessed with it. I love their products that has some kind of acid in them.
One of their best seller is the peeling with BHA and AHA acids. It has changes my skin. It says on the bottle that it shouldn’t be used more than a certain amount of time but I never leave it on for more than a couple of minutes. My skin feels soft for days after using it. It stings when you put it on your face but that disappeared when you wash it off. My next favorite product is the one with lactic acid in it. It removes all pimples on your face and leave your skin feeling fresh. I love that it works “slowly”. That means that it takes some days for it to remove pimples. Because it’s that “safe” I use it everyday. It doesn’t irritate the skin.
One wonderful product is a vitamin C powder. You mix your face cream with the powder and after time it makes your skin look more even. It comes with a little spoon. I use one the amount of one spoon in my face cream. It can feel like you’re having an acid peel on right when you apply it however that calms down after a while.
I like their moisturizer’s also. I think I find most of their products great. And nothing costs a lot. Even if you don’t have much money you can afford everyone of their products.
Memories
I remember a summer when me and a friend went to a swedish island for a vacation. We were staying at a B&B. We were 17 years old I think. My friend brought half her kitchen supplies with her because we thought you had to if you wanted to cook. We brought party clothes because we were gonna party a lot…………… we thought.
First we took a taxi to the train station that was only a couple of minutes away because my friend’s kitchen supplies was to heavy for us carry. We took the train to a town where we had to switch to a bus to take us to the B&B. On the train we were young girls doing what young girls do. We laughed and talked loudly about intimate things. Everything went fine and we took the bus after the train ride. The busdriver let us off at the bus stop but we didn’t see a B&B anywhere. We took a taxi and I think it was 500 meters he drove us! The bus had stopped where the B&B were but we didn’t see it! I wonder what the taxi driver thought about it.
Then we checked in and in this place you slept many in one room but we found a little room with only two beds and decided to put our bags there. Then. ……….. we were going grocery shopping and it took us an our to get there by foot. It was raining heavily and there we were walking and soaking wet. There were no other way to get there. We bought unhealthy food and then walked for another hour to get to the B&B with bags filled and heavy with groceries.
When we got there all our bags were thrown out of the little room by two older women who wanted that room! Alright we choose beds and went to sleep. The next day we were going to spend in our sweat pants until we would get ready to go out and party. When we sat there on our beds the manager came in and said we had to leave the B&B for a couple of hours. It was the rules. I don’t know why but there were a couple of hours the B&B had to be empty. We had to leave without having taken a shower and in our sweat pants! We just walked around and didn’t know what to do. We spent hours in a restaurant where we wrote post cards to everyone we knew. The rest of the time we walked around. When we were allowed back we were tired and didn’t want to party. We cooked our dinner in a kitchen filled with all the guests cooking at the same time! Chaos! I remember a whole family just sitting there waiting for us to finish cooking. Very relaxing! We ate and had nothing to do.
In the evening we wanted to watch tv. Let’s say we were 25 people in the tv room and one man decided what we were gonna watch. No one said anything but we all wanted the man to leave so we could watch something exciting.
After one night we felt this was nothing for us. We had booked to stay there one week and we told the manager we wanted to leave the next day. It wasn’t easy to get our money back but we got them.
The next day we took the bus to the town where the train was departing from. We spend all our money on food and things we wanted! My friend lived alone and she had no money after this. Fast forward my mom helped her out with food.
I haven’t mentioned everything we went through but it was crazy from beginning to end. I especially remember all the kitchen supplies my friend brought. We later found out the B&B kitchen had everything you could possibly need! I’ll never forget it!
Dinner mistake
I rememeber a couple of years ago. Or rather lots of years ago. My mom and a friend of hers used to visit each other and had dinner together. When my mom had her friend over she made the “dinner” (the main course) and I often made the dessert. Then I enjoyed baking and making desserts.
I especially remember two separate dinners. The first one was when my mom made lasagna. The one thing you don’t want when you’re hosting a dinner party is that you don’t have enough food. We were three people attending this dinner. My mom was making a lasagna enough for six people. When I saw the size of the lasagna I said it’s not enough for all of us. Especially my mom’s friend and me can eat a lot. I talked my mom into making the double amount of lasagna. She made lasagna for twelve people when there was only three of us! My mom was hard to convince to make this massive amount of food. She was right it was too much food. We only ate one portion each and then there were nine portions we had to throw away. We didn’t have place in either the fridge or the freezer and had nowhere to store the left over lasagna. Let’s just say there were lasagna left and right in the kitchen.
The second dinner I especially remember was when I was making waffles for dessert. We were gonna have waffles with whipped cream and jam. Good! Everything went fine with the batter. We had an old waffle maker but didn’t think anything about it. Then…………….. came the moment when I was about to make the waffles. I put lots of butter in the waffle maker to make the waffles not stick to it. Not only did the first waffle stick to the maker. I couldn’t get it out of it. I tried everything but it was stuck! After a while it felt like the waffle maker was gonna explode because the “waffle” in it made it dangerously hot. The smoke coming from it was hilarious. The fire alarm went off and the smoke filled the whole house. Everything became blurry because of the thick smoke filling every room. My eyes hurt from it. That was the only waffle we sort of made. It was black and rock hard. We gave it to my mom’s friend but I don’t know if she ate it. Me and my mom ate whipped cream and jam.
Two successful and wonderful dinners!
Sad girl
I feel very sad right now. I miss Kajsa my dog. I feel that I don’t care about anything. I don’t get why I have these black and dark days. Depression is not easy let me tell you. Feeling sad sometimes and depression are two very different things. Everyone feels sad sometimes but when you’re depressed you have these deep deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, you loose hope, you feel that you want to hide in a corner and never leave the corner.
You never get used to being depressed. You could think after a while you know how it feels when you really crash and that it’s a phase you get through but you don’t. These over whelming feelings take over your whole life. I have never touched drugs other than cigarettes (I don’t think it’s considered a drug by the way) and alcohol but I understand those that try to cure their depression with heavy drugs. Sometimes the pain is so deep you do anything to leave it behind.
If I lived on my own I would have to be hospitalized now. My thoughts are dark and if I didn’t have anyone near me I wouldn’t trust myself with anything. You are many out there that are depressed and I know how you feel.
Hair oil
I have a very tangle prone hair. When I wash my hair I use shampoo and conditioner. But even so my hair often is one big tangle when I get out of the shower. I have to use some kind of hair oil.
I’ve tried many different oils! Everything from coconut oil to argan oil. Coconut oil made my hair greasy. I used the smallest amount and my hair looked like I hadn’t wash it in days. I’ve used “coconut infused” oil and “everyday coconut oil” but I didn’t use it for long because of the greasy feeling. Everyone is saying argan oil is liquid gold however not for me. It makes my hair greasy like coconut oil do. To save money I bought argan oil a while ago but even if I only use a small amount it is making my hair oily.
The best hair oil I think I’ve ever used is “ellwo” repairing oil. It costs lots but because you only need a small amount it usually takes me a couple of months before I have to buy a new one. The best thing about it is the smell and that it makes my hair look healthy and it smells wonderful. It smells like red berries. The textur is a little thick but I don’t care about that. I use it when my hair is wet.
I think you can find it in many shops online. I buy it for 24,90 euros. It cost some but you get a lot for your money. If you get tangles or have “wild” hair you should try it. You’ll be surprised how good it is. Try it.
Here
I’m very sorry I haven’t been here for a while. My depression a long with the heat wave has made me feel uninspired! I don’t know if you either have had a heatwave or lots of rain but here it’s been HOT! You would think Sweden was a country where it was always cold and polar bears walking around shivering in this cold. But we’ve had this hot weather with, what it feels like, 100% humidity.
I hurt my shoulder a while ago because I had exercised too hard. It was a pain that made me unable to workout. All I could do was making these stretching workouts. For someone addicted to exercise it was hard not to workout like I always do which is hard and for a long time. My shoulder doesn’t hurt that bad anymore and I can exercise a little.
I will be back soon with a longer post. Take care.
Weight loss
I am proud to say that I have worked out like crazy. Almost everyday. It’s not only work outs it’s hysterical workouts. I do either my upper or lower body for about 1 hour. Then I do 30 minutes of ab workout. My body has grown bigger because I have gained muscles. I wrote “Weight loss” but I have gained weight because of the muscles. When it comes to body fat I have lost some weight.
I love women that have a big lower body (I don’t love women “that” way I only think that women with a bigger lower body is something I want for my body). With all my workouts I have almost achieved that. I know I look fat and I have lots of fat that I need to get rid of but I am excited to say that it’s not only fat. I am not anywhere near where I want to be but I feel like I could reach my goal sometime. My belly is big and I don’t know what to do. The thing is I have gotten some visible ab muscles but even so my belly continues to “hang”. I know with age it gets harder to lose weight but with all the work I put in to slim down my belly would be much smaller.
I know that my diet is………………..it’s not a diet. I eat what I want. I could never starve myself. A “starve diet” isn’t good in the long run. I should cut down on some things but it’s hard.
Take care!
Here sometime
I want to say a big Thank you to all my new and old followers for reading my blog. For the moment I’m into Instagram big time. I love to write here but because my depression is hard at the moment and I find Instagram easier because you can write shorter post. I write lots there. I’m not saying I think writing blog posts are hard but now I get tired whatever I do and that’s why I’m just here sometimes.
On my Instagram I write about the same things I do here.
A thing that I posted on Instagram.
If you want to follow me on Instagram it’s cecilia.helin.39.
I’ll post this in every cathegory so it reaches all of you.
See you there or sometimes here.
Love lost
I know I have written lots about my dog Kajsa that I had to put down. I don’t know when it’s getting less harder to deal with the loss. I miss her everyday all too much. I was hospitalized the day after she went to heaven and I feel that I’m heading there again. Kajsa was the love of my life and I lost that love. I don’t know how to get through this. All I want is to have her here again.
I have had many say I should get a new dog but that’s not an option. Then I would only think about the day the dog has to be put down. That’s not fair to either the dog and me. To me Kajsa was both the dog and the love of my life. I don’t think I will ever get over her.
I was in contact with a girl that needed me to dogsit her dog but that has been strange from the beginning. First she was very vague about how often she wanted me to dogsit. She was hard to get in touch with and when we emailed it was “we have to get together” and so on. She has been very avoiding the whole time. I mean it’s her dog and it’s her responsibilitiy to contact me. I don’t wanna keep reaching out and not get answers. I haven’t heard a thing from her for a while and I’m not going to chase her. I was so happy about the possibility to have a dog here sometimes and now I know it won’t happen. I’ll give it a bit longer and then I will find another dog to dogsit. Hopefully there are dogs out there that need me! I think there are some.
Good day
I know I have written lots about my anxiety and depression. Today I’m writing about something that happens very rarely or not at all. It’s when you feel mentally fine for a while. Yesterday I had one of those days. I was severely depressed but I could feel some happiness inside me somewhere. I didn’t have this feeling that everything is dark and I feel like I can’t go on. I didn’t feel this the whole day but for a while.
Then to what happens to me after one of those days. I feel DEPRESSED. My anxiety and depression feels overwhelming. It’s like I punish myself “how can you even think about feeling some happiness now you have to suffer.” This happens everytime. I feel extremely tired and can’t do anything. I wonder how I can have these differences in how I feel. And why I can’t feel good for longer periods of time. I have my medicines and they should help me from getting these roller coasters of emotions.
Something else that makes me feel sicker is when the doctor wants me to cut down on how much I take of certain medicines. I’m all for trying to take less medicine but it never works. I feel too depressed to keep cutting down. The thing with medicines for anxiety and depression is that it takes a while before you notice any change when you either cutting down or increasing the dosage. When you cut down you feel the changes faster. When you increase the dosage or try a new medicine it takes a long time before you feel anything. Sometimes you don’t feel that a medicine helps before your taking less of it. With medicines for mental illness you don’t suddenly feel “I’m happy”. You often feel that it doesn’t make a difference. Until you take less of it. Then you feel the importance of taking medicines to help you have the best life you can.
Take care!
Excessive exercise
I try my best to get the weight off my belly. My arms and legs have gotten bigger but that is because they have muscles now. My arms and legs are in the best shape they have been for a while. I don’t write that to tell you how much I love them but I’m happy that some of my body parts are in shape. Then we have my belly. I’ve written about it many times but I want to give you an update what has happened with it.
Some days I feel it has gotten smaller. Some days I feel it has gotten bigger. I don’t know what to do. I exercise excessively. Often every day. I know that exercising too much can do more harm than good but I feel bad when I don’t do it. In every workout my belly gets 30 minutes of hard exercises. I train every part of my belly. It is in rather good shape because I feel the exercises getting easier. But it’s big even though I do all this.
I also have to do something about my diet. Now I eat what I want and how much I want. I try to cut down on cream and butter in my food but I think everything taste nothing when I don’t put fat in it.
This was my belly.
Skin vitamin
I love and I’m a bit obsessed with supplements and vitamins. I try to eat healthy but I know that I can never eat all the nutrients I need. That’s why I take all these vitamins.
I’ve noticed that the older I get my skin needs lots of care. Both inside and out. I take care of my skin on the outside with cleansers, toners, creams and serums. I could never not use all that skincare. I think it’s important to do what you can for your skin.
Now we come to how I take care of my skin from the inside. I take many supplement but for my skin I take this supplement. Great earth “Beautyful skin”. If you or someone you know suffer from acne breakouts you should try it. I don’t know if it’s because of this supplement or that my skin just feel good right now but since I began taking it I have had less acne breakouts. My skin looks even and have a healthy color. You take two capsules a day and they are easy to swallow because they are not big.
Like many vitamins this also took a while before you see any changes. The changes weren’t very big but I think my skin looks healthier.
Try it and give it a go.
Expensive skincare
I have found some ways to get through those days when my depression is hysterical. I’m depressed all the time but at times I get knocked down by my sadness. It’s almost impossible to find something that makes thing a little easier. My favorite treatment for depression is to buy skincare. I often buy the more cheaper products but when I’m really sad I buy some expensive skincare products. I don’t mean I buy extremely expensive products. I buy things that are a little more on the expensive side than I normally buy.
Clinique is one of my favorite expensive brand. They have products that are too expensive even for me. I would never buy something for hundreds of euros. I often buy their cleansing things. They don’t cost that much and they last a long time.
When I wear make up I double cleans in the evening. I often use my regular cleanser twice to get rid of all make up. I clean twice because I want to be certain all my make up has been rinsed off when I go to bed. When I was really depressed a while ago I bought Clinique’s “All about clean”. It’s a make up remover. I use it first in my cleaning routine when I’ve worn make up. It removes all make up even the eye make up. After that I use my regular cleanser. I feel that I have to use my everyday cleanser after the make up cleanser to remove dirt and clean the pores.
That was my favorite way to fight depression.
Wonderful
I haven’t been here for a while. That’s because I became a member on Instagram without knowing it. I must have done something to get there. I found Instagram interesting because you don’t have to write a lot in your post. However I miss my blog. And you! You’re wonderful!
Since I was here my psychologist and I have decided to not have our meetings until I feel stronger. We talked about Kajsa, my dog I had to put down, but those talks made me feel more sad everytime. When I had been there I lost all my will to live. My psychologist told me to contact her when I feel like I’m strong enough to talk about it again.
I miss my dog so much. My depression has been really bad and it’s that way now too. I try to distract myself when it get’s that bad. It’s not easy but I have found ways to forget about my pain for a while. My biggest distraction is to play free games online. If you suffer from a very bad depression try everything until you find something that gives you some relief. It’s easier said than done but don’t let your depression run your life. Eating good food is also something I recommend.
I wish you a great day and I’ll write again soon.
Kiwi frenzy
I have told you about my obsessions with kiwi fruits. It’s because they don’t cost a lot. Even if I have many at home I can’t not buy new ones when I am at the grocery store. You get 10 kiwi’s for 3,5 euros which means they cost nothing. You never know when the price will go up. That’s why I am buying 10 every time I shop for groceries. I know it’s absurd. That made me think about what media’s approach to it would be.
“A woman was found with hundreds of kiwis in her home. Most of them were rotten but she said she couldn’t put them in the trash. ‘I have a bond to all my kiwis’ she said meaning that it would be like throwing out a family member. She also said she had named the kiwis and talked to them. When she was asked how it had gotten this crazy she said it wasn’t crazy. ‘They cost 3,5 for 10 kiwis. I have bought 10 kiwis two times a week for months.’ Do you eat any of them? She replied ‘How can I eat my family members? Michael or David? No I can’t.’
We looked around the woman’s apartment and found every room filled with kiwis. They had even formed gangs. Each room had one gang. They held to themselves apart from when a kiwi from another room entered their territory. Then they crushed it. We also found a room that was empty apart from a couple of kiwis aimlessly wandering around. They weren’t part of any gang and had to fend for themselves. In that room the lemons had had enough of all the kiwis. We saw a kiwi and a lemon fighting. The lemon shouted ‘leave this room alone. This room belongs to lemons’.
The social services had to take the woman away. She was naked covered in crushed kiwi fruits. She resisted crying ‘who is going to take care of my kiwis?’ The last thing we heard her say before she was placed in the social service’s car was ’10 for 3,5 euros’ over and over again.”
I am not there now but who knows what the future holds? Just kidding. I buy lots of kiwis however I eat them all.
Tomato pasta
I have a confession to make. I love pasta. I crave it often. Sometimes I just eat pasta with butter but that’s not very healthy. I also love pasta because it’s easy to make delicious dinners with it. I think both dried and fresh pasta taste good. I often go for the fresh version though because it cooks faster.
You know I get stressed whenever I make a complicated dinner. With that I mean when the dinner has too many ingredients or cooking techniques. Not to mention when it involves all the pots and pans you have. I know many thinks that those things isn’t a problem and I envy you. I would love to be like you. Reading recipes and happily cook whatever it is. I almost never follow recipes when it comes to cooking. Only because I feel like it always have too many things to do in them.
This dinner is the fastest and easiest you have ever experienced. Fresh tortellini in a tomato sauce. I do the whole thing in one pan. Because I used fresh tortellini I didn’t have to cook them before mixing them with the tomato sauce. I let them boil in the tomato sauce.
I began with frying a red onion in butter. Not too long, just to get it a little soft. Then I added crushed tomatoes. I also added pepper, salt and oregano. I let it simmer for a while before putting milk and whipping cream in it. I turned up the heat to get the sauce to boil. When it boiled I added the “raw” tortellini. I used one tortellini with spinach and ricotta cheese and one with sundried tomatoes. I noticed that the spinach tortellini was gluten free which I didn’t know when I bought it. I let the tortellini boil for a couple of minutes in the tomato sauce. That was all it took to make a delicious dinner!
I have this stress scale when I cook. Number 1 is me feel little or no stress while cooking. 5 is when I feel I will faint from stress. This was a 1 on the stress scale.
Try it.
Getting help
I really want to tell you something before you read this. All of you with self harm thoughts don’t read this post.
A while ago I told you I was hospitalized after I had to put my dog down. I thought I would tell you how it was to be in such a facility.
When I put my dog, Kajsa, down because she was too sick to keep alive my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I remember when my mom and me had been at the vet’s and left Kajsa there to be cremated. I cried the whole way home. I cried the rest of that day. The next day I felt broken in every way. I cried and all I could think about was that I would never see my dog again. I had these self harm thoughts. “If I die I will be with Kajsa again”. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to be with Kajsa again. I began planning how I would do to essentially leave this world. I know it sounds depressing but that was how it was.
I remember that somewhere in my mind I had a thought that I was too young to die. That made me decided to seek help. I am not someone to ask for help so this was a big thing to me. I showered and went straight to the emergency room. After having waited for hours to see a doctor I immediately got send to a “psychiatric ward”. I was totally broken down and let them take care of me. I didn’t bring anything with me. They gave me the most basic things I needed. I was hospitalized in the middle of the night and immediately went to bed. The next day was filled with a nurse talking different test to see how I was physically. That day my mom also came and gave me things I needed such as clothes and skincare products.
The ward I was in was for everyone with the same problems that I have. We were quiet and kept to ourselves. We talked but If you didn’t want to you could be quiet. There was only one man that was extremely aggressiv but he got moved some where else fast.
When you are hospitalized you don’t have to much. You get fed, they clean everyrthing. You only have to be you. I was very depressed and didn’t eat a lot but If I hadn’t been there I wouldn’t have eaten anything. All I did was wearing clean clothes and showered. The doctor was awesome. He knew what he was doing. I’ve met lots of doctor the last couple of years and he was the best. I missed one thing, a psychologist. You could talk to the staff but that wasn’t enough. Other than that I have nothing to complain about.
I wasn’t ready to leave at any time but I realized after a while that I had to. When I left I felt scared. I suffer from social phobia (as If my other problems aren’t enough) and because I had been hospitalized in this secure little world for a long time I felt lost when I had to be by myself. No one cares about you in real life. I went from being taken care of to have to take care of myself.
I’ve thought about going back to the hospital many times but I try to make it without having to do this. All I can tell you is that If you need help it’s out there.
Weight
I struggle with my weight. You know that I have compared myself to a sausage because we are stuffed under our skin ready to burst. I don’t know however I feel that some of the fat on my body has turned into muscles. I exercise too much I know that. I have days where I don’t train at all but it’s hard. I want to exercise every day but it’s not healthy. I have to force myself to have exercise free days. I want to loose weight and too much exercise I think makes more harm than good. When you exercise everyday your body never gets to build muscles and burn fat. I have also told you that I can hardly get my jeans on because of all the fat. I think it also has to do with that I’ve gained muscles. I want bigger legs and arms and my legs are bigger. I think both the fat and my new muscles has something to do with me not getting my jeans on.
The thing I should try harder with is food. I can’t go on a diet because then I’m hungry all the time. I know there are diets where you don’t feel hungry but they are complicated and you have to change everything you eat. For example I can’t go without carbs. Everywhere you look carbs is the cause of weight gain and lots more. When I don’t eat carbs I get physically sick. I have to eat something from every food “group” everyday. I try to eat less but then I’m hungry and I eat unhealthy. I don’t eat candy but I haven’t seen that helping with the weight. I will continue with not eating candy though because I feel better without it.
I try and that’s all you can do. My belly is where almost all the fat gather. I have well trained legs and arms and then this chunk of fat on my belly. I do abs exercises everytime I exercise and I think the belly is getting stronger. I’m frustrated because I want the belly to shrink faster than it does. I will keep up with the abs exercise until I see some change.
Kajsa's and Cecilia's world 